This loop swallows my body but not my breast. I have

taken four hundred and thirty shots of testosterone, and

nothing has changed. I have told Charlie I love him three

hundred and eight times, and he has not looked up from

his book. I don’t have the energy some mornings. I love dying.

It’s my favourite hobby. I will not fear it in the new world.

Every day there is a revolution; a spin. I think I am starting

to feel it in my feet. A few turns ago, I kissed a head of state just

to see if he was any good. I haven’t tried voting yet. Sometimes,

I tell the truth; I whisper it to my mother on the phone; there are

strangers I have found who will listen. Only the crazy ones believe me,

but this was true before. I am unsure of the mechanics of this life.

I tried feigning interest in quantum physics. I don’t care. I can’t.

I have told my father he’s proud of me thirty times. I have killed him

forty-five times. If I’m being honest, I’ve lost track of the turns.

Tomorrow, today, I will take another shot.